Google the mind reader

Inspired by a blog post made by The Bloggess (http://thebloggess.com/?p=5585), I decided to put random words into Google to see what its Sylvia Browne-robot predicts I'm going to type. Remember Google, when you assume, you make an ass out of you and me...but mostly you. Then I made note of my favorites and have decided to share those with you. You're welcome.

Word typed:
-Was...
What Google assumed I was trying to ask:
-Was Jesus black? (yes, this is exactly what I was going to ask! that's incredible!)
-Was not was (now you're just fucking with me, Google)



Word typed:
-Can...
What Google assumed I was going to ask:
-Can I has cheeseburger? (umm no, but i'll gladly give you a grammar book)


Words typed:
-How about...
What Google assumed I was going to ask:
-How about that ride in hangover? (what state is hangover in? i'm pretty sure i've been there)
-How about a friendly shrink? (as in a psychiatrist, or you want to make me really small while being nice about it?)



Words typed:
-What do...
What Google assumed I was going to ask:
-What do tigers dream? (i bet they dream about biting your head off for asking such a stupid question)

"I cannot wait to maul the moron who asked about my dreams."

Words typed:
-Why does...
What Google assumed I was going to ask:
-Why does poop float? (you must have eaten something really light that day)

Words typed:
-When might...
What Google assumed I was going to ask:
-When might you hear the miranda warning? (when your ass is being arrested)

Umm, what's sticking out of this guy's stomach?

Word typed:
-Where
What Google assumed I was going to ask:
-Where is Santa right now? (when it's not christmas he always goes on a cruise. duh.)

And you thought you were having a bad day...

Story of the year...maybe even the decade. I will refrain from mentioning my source, as not to invoke humiliation, or rather invoke further humiliation. I was given permission to share this story as long as I kept the storyteller anonymous.

Ladies, we can all raise our hand and testify that at some point in our life we have either shaved, trimmed, buzzed, clipped, waxed, cropped, dyed, jeweled or bedazzled our nether regions. The reasons behind our actions vary. Sometimes we know our Lady of the Nile is having company, and everyone wants a clean house before visitors arrive. Sometimes we just have a lot going on down there and for comfort reasons we shape things up. Other times we're bored and want to see if we could have ever made it as a hair stylist. Whatever the reason may be, we women can all relate to pruning the hedges at some point. The tools of the trade are either a razor, scissors, clippers or a woman with hot wax and paper strips.

Today's tale begins as most do, with a woman in the shower cleaning up downtown as she has done many times throughout her years. (Most tales begin that way, right?) Her tool of choice? Scissors. Now this choice may seem ordinary or mundane, but when you combine that decision with early morning grogginess, you, my friend, have just mixed together the ingredients for disaster--a sharp object and an unsteady hand.

My phone rings:

Me: Hello
She Who Remains Anonymous: Are you ready for this?
Me: Yes....?
SWRA: I am on my way to the doctor to get stitches (pause)...in my labia!
Me: WHAT?!
SWRA: I have to get my labia stitched up?
Me: Why?! What happened?
SWRA: I was trimming my girlie parts with scissors and cut it in half!
Me: Are you kidding me?
SWRA: No. No, I am not. I tried to close it up with those butterfly band aids, but they wont stay.
Me: (laughing hysterically) No way!
SWRA: Yep. And to top it off, my gyno, who has seen my girlie parts many times, is out of town for a week, so I have to go to my general doctor, who is an attractive man.
Me: (tears of laughter now falling down my face)
SWRA: I mean, how am I supposed to explain this?
Me: I don't know, but call me when it's over. I have to know how it goes.

Later that afternoon my phones rings again.

SWRA: Four stitches and $285 later, here I am. $285! I could have gotten it a professional perm for $285. A fresh fade and a dye job. Ugh!
Me: How was it?
SWRA: Well, I told the doctor I didn't want to talk about it. I just wanted to get it over with...And getting local anesthesia in my noo-noo fucking hurts like shit! Just FYI.
Me: (laughing) Yeah it does! I had to get shots down there before, and I cried.
SWRA: Oh, and you couldn't have given me a little heads up on that?
Me: (laughing more) I forgot. What did you tell the doctor?
SWRA: I said, "I am in sheer pain. No pun intended."
Me: (extreme laughter)
SWRA: So now I have stitches in my hu-ha, and I can't have sex for six weeks. What the hell?
Me: (in tears yet again) OMG! This is all just too hilarious!
SWRA: Hmm. Glad I could amuse you.
Me: I was having a shitty day, but this turned it all around because nothing that has happened to me today even comes close to what has happened to you. So thanks for sharing.
SWRA: Love you too.

I must say that I sensed some sarcasm in that last line.

So there you have it. Someone I know cut their labia in half while trying to trim their girlie parts and had to get stitches. You have to wonder, what the hell kind of scissors were being used? Garden shears? A machete?


Either way, you have to admit that if you were thinking that your day was bad, this takes the cake. Remember this the next time you're running late for work, or you have a flat tire, or your boss gives you a dreadful assignment, or your kids wont go to bed. Simply close your eyes and say, "At least my labia is intact."

Show me the eight of pentacles...

I have some GREAT news!! My dog, Dax, who I spoke of in my previous post, is NOT going blind. We went to see an eye specialist yesterday, and it was discovered that Dax has an infection that has attacked his body through his eyes. Blood work was done to determine what the infection is, and I will know that on Monday. Both eyes are inflamed and have a cloudy substance in them (not seen by the human eye). With eye drops and antibiotics, Dax will be back to normal soon. I couldn't be happier! And I know it's because of the support I received from my incredible family, friends and co-workers. Thank you! It's just amazing to me that he went from total vision impairment Tuesday night to raising high concern in our vet on Wednesday to being fine on Thursday. Thank you, God! Thank you for answering all our prayers.


To add to that good news...the pilot for the vampire show I've been filming has been picked up by Showtime! This is super exciting news!! However, I will need to prove to the Showtime people that I deserve to keep my part. I will now have to re-audition for the show, and this time I'll be up against c-list Hollywood actresses. The director really wants me to keep my part, which is great, so he told me to bring it in this last scene we are shooting next week. I have to be able to standout from those tall, skinny, hot Hollywood girls and prove that I have the most talent, that I know the role better. And because I've been playing the role and have had one-on-one interaction about the role with the director, I know more about my character than anyone else. I have to use that to my advantage. Everyone please send good thoughts and prayers my way that I get to keep my part. I mean, how awesome would it be to be on Showtime?! It could be my big break : )

Side note about the post title: The eight of pentacles is associated with self-improvement and rewards that bring tremendous joy and satisfaction. If you were competing for something (the role in a TV show, for instance), this would symbolize the first prize. This tells you that success will be yours.

My Dog Needs Your Prayers

OK. So it's been a VERY long time since my last post. It seems I temporarily forgot how to take words and form coherent sentences with them. I didn't think anyone would enjoy a post that said: Yellow monkey lawnmower twisted lawsuit. I mean, how would you know that I was telling you that a yellow monkey was riding my lawnmower when he twisted his ankle, and now I face a lawsuit. But after some tedious therapy I can once again form sentences.

That's my lame attempt at humor. It's the best I got. Right now I am trying my darnedest to be optimistic. Trying desperately to avoid the voice inside my head that's telling me to breakdown and cry. I just want to submerge myself in water in hopes that it will wash my worry away. The concern I have is for my dog Dax.


Dax is my little angle. The sweetest puppy you'll ever meet. So full of life. Loves to run and play and give kisses. Which is why I knew something was up when I came home last night and he was acting so different, so lost. He was disoriented. Sniffing everything in the house like he was sniffing it for the first time. He would bump into things like he didn't see them at all. I would hold my finger or a toy in front of his face and move it from side to side, but he didn't follow it. He just stared blankly into space. His face was empty. I, of course, panicked and started crying because I was so scared for him. I mean, he must have been so confused, so scared. The vet was closed at this time, so I just waited until the morning to get him looked at. I slept with him snuggled close to my chest so that he felt safe and so that I could tell if something went wrong in the middle of the night. I woke up several times to make sure he was OK.

This morning he could see just fine. He went down the stairs into the backyard, which is previously was too scared to do, just like normal. I tested him again with my finger and a toy, and he followed it just fine. Hope was restored. However, I still took him to the vet to get checked out, to make sure there wasn't something I was missing.

The vet called me a bit ago to say that she is sending Dax to an eye specialist. My heart sank. My breath gone. She said that he'll follow her finger and walk in a straight line like normal, but that when she shines a light into his eyes neither one restricts. And when she used her special lens to see the structures behind his eye, she saw nothing. Her concern is that he has Progressive Retinal Degeneration, which is untreatable and inevitably leads to blindness. He is seeing a specialist on Tuesday. That feels like it's forever away. I want Dax tested now...but I can't do anything about that. I am on a cancellation list. If someone cancels I'll get their spot.

I'm just so upset. I don't want Dax to go blind. I hate to think that he'll never see his mommy's face again. And it breaks my heart to think about what he's feeling, to suddenly lose his sight. I am praying so hard that he does not have PRD, that what he has is curable and treatable. And I need your prayers as well. Please.

If he does go blind I will love him just the same. He will still be my precious baby. I will sit down with the vet to go over with her what to do when you're dog loses sight, and we'll go from there. Until we see the specialist I am going to love on Dax and comfort him and just make sure he feels at ease with his surroundings.

Please pray for him.

Update...Cause I know You Care

So it's been quite some time since my last post. I have now been living on my own for almost 3 weeks. It took some adjusting, but I've come to love it. And I can't help but be a bit proud of myself. As someone who always had to have some around for comfort and safety, I thought living alone would be a big feat for me. However, after the first few times I grew to enjoy my independence. I felt like...well, like a real adult. My mom came over, and we rearranged all the furniture. I redecorated my bathroom. I cook myself whatever I want for dinner. I decide what I watch on TV. And I get the whole bed to myself (no fighting for room or covers). Sure, I will once again welcome that constant companion, someone I share my life with again, but for now I am going to revel in this new-found independence and be grateful for it.

On the acting front, I have been cast in a new vampire show that is being pitched to Showtime. We are getting ready to film the pilot starting Saturday. I am Linda, a human who works for a vampire and who desperately wants to become a vampire...and enevtually I do. I am very excited because I get to play a human and then later a vampire, which allows me great range as an actress. I am super excited about this project. It's pretty dang cool, and it's a different take on vampires than what we've seen so far in movies and shows. It's already gotten some great interest. This one is the real deal. I've signed my contract and will be getting paid for my work. And then when it gets picked up, I will get paid from its success. I am just so thrilled right now and can't wait to start filming my scenes.

Well, I am exhausted. Work is CA-RAZY this week as I prepare for The Vintage Harvest Festival this Saturday at Vinatage Park. Everyone is invited. We will have art, food, wine, beer, kids activities, live music and a big screen in the Piazza showing football...so no excuses from the men. It's all free except for the wine & beer garden. That is $20 for 10 tastes or $50 to taste as you choose. Go to http://www.vintageharvestfest.com/ for directions and details...or ask me.

PS: I ate live ants today by accident, so I'm probably gonna wake up tomorrow with super powers. So...

He's Really Gone

It is through constant yawning and swollen eyes that I write this post today. All day yesterday I helped Adam pack his stuff and move into his new apartment. We were moving nonstop from 11:30 am to 8:00 pm, at which time we stopped to watch Dexter, then we made a final trip at 9:30 pm. We were going so fast and staying so busy that is wasn't until that last trip to his new place that everything hit me all at once. I stayed strong for as long as I could. I helped him set up his kitchen without shedding a single tear. I hung his new shower curtain without the slightest despair. I put clothes in his closet, helped him lay out his furniture, placed his toothbrush in his new bathroom cabinet all the while holding my composure...until it came time for that final goodbye. As we stood in the parking lot hugging each other one last time, I lost it. This is it. I cried like a baby the whole way home and kept crying as I walked through MY front door and into MY living room. As I made MY bed and watched MY television. These things were no longer ours. I must confess that it hurt...a lot. 

I found such comfort in falling alseep each night knowing that Adam was in the other room, mere seconds away. It was nice to have dinner with someone every night, to laugh with someone when the dogs did something crazy, to share my life with the same person for four years. And now that's all gone. I was in mourning last night. In mourning over the loss of a lifestyle I had come to know, the loss of a campion I had come to depend on as a constant fixture in my life. I walked from room to room when I got home and took in all the changes, all the empty space. It's a whole new house, one that I will have to get used to. It even feels different. The energy has changed. The house is in mourning too.

But although I have some tough nights ahead of me, I find solace in knowing that this was the right decision. These next few months are going to be spent healing, adjusting and beginning anew. I can steer my life in whatever direction I choose, and that is amazing. After a few nights the tears will subside, and eventually it will feel like home again.

I want to thank my incredible family and friends for all their love and support. I could not do this without you. I am just so lucky to have you all in my life and want you to know that I'm forever grateful. 

Change

Last post was Sept. 23. Holy cow! That was like a million years ago. I don't really have an excuse other than I momentarily stopped liking you because you forced me to take special pills that would make my imaginary friend disappear. Then I realized that was the mean mother in Drop Dead Fred that did that, not you. And it wasn't even me she did it to, it was her daughter, Elizabeth played by Phoebe Cates. So in short, I forgive you.

Right now my life is kind of in a whirlwind. It's like a hurricane, and I'm the eye in the center watching everything fly by me. Rapid change will do that to a person. What in my life is changing, you ask? Well, my boyfriend, Adam, and I have decided to break up and travel our own life path. He and I had been together for over 4 years. That's a long time. Four years holds a lot of hugs, kisses, laughs, tears, surprises, inside jokes. There are a lot of things that there wont be anymore of. No more cuddling on the couch watching TV, no more saying 'I love you,' no more cooking dinner for two, no more coming home to someone. That's a hard pill to swallow, and it's not going to make any imaginary friend disappear. It's going to make a whole lifestyle disappear...but a new one will grow in its place.

I do not regret this change, I embrace it, welcome it because it is needed. Adam and I just grew a part over the years. It wasn't anything either of us did or didn't do. No one is at fault, no one is a bad person. We're both good people who want different things in life, and that's OK. The best thing to do is to recognize that and let each go our own way rather than pretend it's all fine and wind up resenting one another. I didn't want to resent Adam. He's a great guy with a big heart. We just aren't in love anymore, and someone needed to say it out loud. It was so hard to do, but once I got it out there was instant relief. Anger, denial and tears followed, but that all subsided so that understanding, agreement and acceptance could emerge. I am so thankful that Adam and I can continue to be friends.

I would like to say that I don't regret the relationship we had. I don't for one second think our time together was a waste. I will walk away with some great memories that I will cherish forever. I will walk away having grown as a person and spiritually. I'm a better person for being with Adam, and I'm grateful for that. The next month will definitely have it's rough patches. I will have to get used to waking up alone. When I come home, I now have to know that no one will be coming in behind me. Going to bed without hearing The Mist or a PS3 gaming playing in the living room will be an adjustment : ) But as time goes on, a new routine will emerge, new habits will form, new realities will suddenly seem as though they've always been. This is an opportunity that he and I have both been given. The opportunity to mold our lives exactly the way we want them. The future is waiting for us to assemble it, shape it. The future is in my grasp, and I am reaching out.

A note to Adam: I know this isn't how we saw things playing out, but sometimes the greatest moments in life are the unexpected ones. I will cherish the time we had together and hold dear to the memories we've made. I wish you all the best as you conquer the future. You are smart and creative and filled with passion. Use those things. Thank you for understanding that this is a good decision for us, and thank you for opening your mind to the idea of a better life for us both. You're in my heart always.