He's Really Gone

It is through constant yawning and swollen eyes that I write this post today. All day yesterday I helped Adam pack his stuff and move into his new apartment. We were moving nonstop from 11:30 am to 8:00 pm, at which time we stopped to watch Dexter, then we made a final trip at 9:30 pm. We were going so fast and staying so busy that is wasn't until that last trip to his new place that everything hit me all at once. I stayed strong for as long as I could. I helped him set up his kitchen without shedding a single tear. I hung his new shower curtain without the slightest despair. I put clothes in his closet, helped him lay out his furniture, placed his toothbrush in his new bathroom cabinet all the while holding my composure...until it came time for that final goodbye. As we stood in the parking lot hugging each other one last time, I lost it. This is it. I cried like a baby the whole way home and kept crying as I walked through MY front door and into MY living room. As I made MY bed and watched MY television. These things were no longer ours. I must confess that it hurt...a lot. 

I found such comfort in falling alseep each night knowing that Adam was in the other room, mere seconds away. It was nice to have dinner with someone every night, to laugh with someone when the dogs did something crazy, to share my life with the same person for four years. And now that's all gone. I was in mourning last night. In mourning over the loss of a lifestyle I had come to know, the loss of a campion I had come to depend on as a constant fixture in my life. I walked from room to room when I got home and took in all the changes, all the empty space. It's a whole new house, one that I will have to get used to. It even feels different. The energy has changed. The house is in mourning too.

But although I have some tough nights ahead of me, I find solace in knowing that this was the right decision. These next few months are going to be spent healing, adjusting and beginning anew. I can steer my life in whatever direction I choose, and that is amazing. After a few nights the tears will subside, and eventually it will feel like home again.

I want to thank my incredible family and friends for all their love and support. I could not do this without you. I am just so lucky to have you all in my life and want you to know that I'm forever grateful. 

Change

Last post was Sept. 23. Holy cow! That was like a million years ago. I don't really have an excuse other than I momentarily stopped liking you because you forced me to take special pills that would make my imaginary friend disappear. Then I realized that was the mean mother in Drop Dead Fred that did that, not you. And it wasn't even me she did it to, it was her daughter, Elizabeth played by Phoebe Cates. So in short, I forgive you.

Right now my life is kind of in a whirlwind. It's like a hurricane, and I'm the eye in the center watching everything fly by me. Rapid change will do that to a person. What in my life is changing, you ask? Well, my boyfriend, Adam, and I have decided to break up and travel our own life path. He and I had been together for over 4 years. That's a long time. Four years holds a lot of hugs, kisses, laughs, tears, surprises, inside jokes. There are a lot of things that there wont be anymore of. No more cuddling on the couch watching TV, no more saying 'I love you,' no more cooking dinner for two, no more coming home to someone. That's a hard pill to swallow, and it's not going to make any imaginary friend disappear. It's going to make a whole lifestyle disappear...but a new one will grow in its place.

I do not regret this change, I embrace it, welcome it because it is needed. Adam and I just grew a part over the years. It wasn't anything either of us did or didn't do. No one is at fault, no one is a bad person. We're both good people who want different things in life, and that's OK. The best thing to do is to recognize that and let each go our own way rather than pretend it's all fine and wind up resenting one another. I didn't want to resent Adam. He's a great guy with a big heart. We just aren't in love anymore, and someone needed to say it out loud. It was so hard to do, but once I got it out there was instant relief. Anger, denial and tears followed, but that all subsided so that understanding, agreement and acceptance could emerge. I am so thankful that Adam and I can continue to be friends.

I would like to say that I don't regret the relationship we had. I don't for one second think our time together was a waste. I will walk away with some great memories that I will cherish forever. I will walk away having grown as a person and spiritually. I'm a better person for being with Adam, and I'm grateful for that. The next month will definitely have it's rough patches. I will have to get used to waking up alone. When I come home, I now have to know that no one will be coming in behind me. Going to bed without hearing The Mist or a PS3 gaming playing in the living room will be an adjustment : ) But as time goes on, a new routine will emerge, new habits will form, new realities will suddenly seem as though they've always been. This is an opportunity that he and I have both been given. The opportunity to mold our lives exactly the way we want them. The future is waiting for us to assemble it, shape it. The future is in my grasp, and I am reaching out.

A note to Adam: I know this isn't how we saw things playing out, but sometimes the greatest moments in life are the unexpected ones. I will cherish the time we had together and hold dear to the memories we've made. I wish you all the best as you conquer the future. You are smart and creative and filled with passion. Use those things. Thank you for understanding that this is a good decision for us, and thank you for opening your mind to the idea of a better life for us both. You're in my heart always.