Ladies, we can all raise our hand and testify that at some point in our life we have either shaved, trimmed, buzzed, clipped, waxed, cropped, dyed, jeweled or bedazzled our nether regions. The reasons behind our actions vary. Sometimes we know our Lady of the Nile is having company, and everyone wants a clean house before visitors arrive. Sometimes we just have a lot going on down there and for comfort reasons we shape things up. Other times we're bored and want to see if we could have ever made it as a hair stylist. Whatever the reason may be, we women can all relate to pruning the hedges at some point. The tools of the trade are either a razor, scissors, clippers or a woman with hot wax and paper strips.
Today's tale begins as most do, with a woman in the shower cleaning up downtown as she has done many times throughout her years. (Most tales begin that way, right?) Her tool of choice? Scissors. Now this choice may seem ordinary or mundane, but when you combine that decision with early morning grogginess, you, my friend, have just mixed together the ingredients for disaster--a sharp object and an unsteady hand.
My phone rings:
Me: Hello
She Who Remains Anonymous: Are you ready for this?
Me: Yes....?
SWRA: I am on my way to the doctor to get stitches (pause)...in my labia!
Me: WHAT?!
SWRA: I have to get my labia stitched up?
Me: Why?! What happened?
SWRA: I was trimming my girlie parts with scissors and cut it in half!
Me: Are you kidding me?
SWRA: No. No, I am not. I tried to close it up with those butterfly band aids, but they wont stay.
Me: (laughing hysterically) No way!
SWRA: Yep. And to top it off, my gyno, who has seen my girlie parts many times, is out of town for a week, so I have to go to my general doctor, who is an attractive man.
Me: (tears of laughter now falling down my face)
SWRA: I mean, how am I supposed to explain this?
Me: I don't know, but call me when it's over. I have to know how it goes.
Later that afternoon my phones rings again.
SWRA: Four stitches and $285 later, here I am. $285! I could have gotten it a professional perm for $285. A fresh fade and a dye job. Ugh!
Me: How was it?
SWRA: Well, I told the doctor I didn't want to talk about it. I just wanted to get it over with...And getting local anesthesia in my noo-noo fucking hurts like shit! Just FYI.
Me: (laughing) Yeah it does! I had to get shots down there before, and I cried.
SWRA: Oh, and you couldn't have given me a little heads up on that?
Me: (laughing more) I forgot. What did you tell the doctor?
SWRA: I said, "I am in sheer pain. No pun intended."
Me: (extreme laughter)
SWRA: So now I have stitches in my hu-ha, and I can't have sex for six weeks. What the hell?
Me: (in tears yet again) OMG! This is all just too hilarious!
SWRA: Hmm. Glad I could amuse you.
Me: I was having a shitty day, but this turned it all around because nothing that has happened to me today even comes close to what has happened to you. So thanks for sharing.
SWRA: Love you too.
I must say that I sensed some sarcasm in that last line.
So there you have it. Someone I know cut their labia in half while trying to trim their girlie parts and had to get stitches. You have to wonder, what the hell kind of scissors were being used? Garden shears? A machete?
Either way, you have to admit that if you were thinking that your day was bad, this takes the cake. Remember this the next time you're running late for work, or you have a flat tire, or your boss gives you a dreadful assignment, or your kids wont go to bed. Simply close your eyes and say, "At least my labia is intact."
