Don't make me shine my glock

As I was driving home yesterday and driving to get me nails did at lunchtime today, I had to ask myself, in between my cursing and choice hand gestures no less, if I could have the worst case of road rage out of everyone I know...and I think the answer is yes.

Ugh! I just can't stand stupid drivers. Before I know it I'm honking my horn or beating the steering wheel and saying things like, "WTF! Are you a moron? Green means go, you idiot!" Or I revert to a solo conversation of sarcasm where I make remarks like, "Ok. See that speed limit sign we just passed? It had a number on it. That's how fast we get to go. Kinda crazy, huh? Just a little lesson to put in your pocket (insert fake laugh)." Oh sure, I'm certain I look like a big crazy talking to myself, but my sarcastic banters help me refrain from pulling out my 9 and bustin' a cap.

So, in case you ever find yourself on the road with me, do us all a favor and...

1. Drive the freakin' speed limit. We are on a damn highway. No need to go 40...unless in traffic. I may be a biatch, but I do have logic and understand that 65 in traffic means nothing but collision.

2. They didn't put blinkers on cars just for shits and giggles. I know that stupid tick, tick noise can get annoying, but use that damn blinker. If I am waiting to cross over your lane, and you plan on turning onto the street I'm on, hence allowing me to cross before the 68 cars coming behind you reach my intersection, then that blinker better be on. If not, I'll u-turn, make you pull over, yank that blinker handle off your steering wheel and shove it right up your.....and breathe. 12345678910. Also, if I'm behind you, and you decide that up ahead at that video store you want to turn in and rent Dumb & Dumber, that blinker? Better be a flashin'.

3. When in slow traffic and you see me with my blinker on indicating my desire to get in your lane, don't be a douche bag and hug the car's ass in front of you so that I can't get in. I mean really? Do you think God forbid one more car get ahead of you and you'll never make it home?

4. Do not EVER pull out in front of me and proceed to go slow! I loath that. Here I am coming 40+, and you see it in your best interest to pull out in front of me and go 30? I will beat some ass for that one.

5. OK. Most exits lanes are marked clearly with dotted lines and the words "Exit Only" painted on the damn lane itself. And a lot of exit lanes are long, giving drivers plenty of time to get the hell out if they don't want to exit. So why is it that you stay in the exit only lane until the last minute and decide, "Oops. I didn't know I had to exit here. Silly me (haha)," and then you brake hard (making me brake hard) so as to find a place to get over. All I say to you is...Jackass!

6. Merging lanes. Don't get me started...too late, already am. If your lane is merging with my lane, guess what that means? I have the right of way, not you, dip. Also, when on ramps merge with a freeway lane, don't be that prick who slams on their accelerator to get in front of the car entering the freeway as if to say, "Whoa man! I'm the freeway warden in these parts, and you ain't allowed on. So what I'm gonna do is make you have to swerve into the shoulder to avoid hitting me because I am a big, ugly ass." Yeah, don't be the big, ugly ass.

7. Driver courtesy has it's rules too. If you're at a red light that has a good line going, a line that could potentially block an intersection or driveway. Do not pull up so that the person on said intersection can't pass through. It's just freakin' rude and selfish. Leave a gap so people can cross over your lane. However, if you are at a red light, a long annoying red light that only stays green for 2 seconds, and a car suddenly comes up from the side and wants to get into your lane when the light turns? That is when it's not only OK, but vital that you simply act as though you don't see them and carry on through the green light. If you stay stopped and allow them to get in front of you, they slow shit up, making those of us who have been waiting in that stupid ass line forever, miss the light. Just something to remember. Now, on good days when I'm not feeling so bitchy, I have broken the code and let a driver into my lane when a light has turned green. But I only do it when I know my ass is gonna make it through the light : ) 

I could go on and on, but I like the number 7, so I'll stop there. Now it's off to my car to drive home. Better look out for me or I'll come up to your window, nicely ask you to roll it down and then bite your face. No one likes to have teeth marks in their face, so be warned.